I am a badass

When did I get so emo?!?!? Seriously. I feel it and I hate it, but it's like I have emo tourette's. I'll be fine and then in the middle of discussing what we're having for dinner, I start ranting about feelings and emotions and gah!

Last Saturday night @ 2am...

Lizard Queen: *yawn* I am SLEEPY. What are you going to get to eat?

Me: Ummm... I don't know. Maybe pancakes? I'm hungry, but I don't really know what I want. TELL ME what I want!

Lizard Queen: Well. ...maybe pancakes are good if you think you want pancakes...

Me: *Sigh* Why is this so HARD to decide on??? I think I want pancakes, but I don't really know what I really want, I just know I'm hungry. Like my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life or how to fix my stupid relationships or how I behave in my stupid relationships and maybe I just want coffee. But, NO, I'm hungry and I want something more than just coffee. And I want to be sure of something in my life because everything is so crazy right now and it's driving ME crazy and I can never tell with anyone and no one, besides you, was available to hang out with me tonight and I hate that that makes me feel so bereft because I never come here and I just wanted people to be there for me, though I don't blame them for being absent tonight because I'm so mopey I don't even want to hang out with me.

Lizard Queen: ...

Lizard Queen: *blink blink*

Lizard Queen: So, are you just getting coffee or are you going to get pancakes too?

Me: I'm going to get the f-ing pancakes with my coffee because I want to have SOMETHING that I want tonight and damn the consequences.

Lizard Queen: Wow. Who did this to you? I mean, who made you so crazy and emotional???

Me: *thinks* I know the answer to this, but it would take ages to explain my mess. *out loud* I don't know... but, I'm going to get the pancakes.

So. Yeah. When did I become THAT girl? I mean, I've always been overly analytical and kind of a mess. But, whereas before my attitude before was just "fuck it" and me going on my merry way, doing my own thing and refusing to be brought down by people who didn't think my own way was good enough... NOW, apparently, I'm paying attention to the people who don't think I'm good enough and that's making me ridiculous. AND, I've forgotten that I AM a badass. Or I was. Before. Before I was just a mess.

Now, I've got to get back to badassery. Because not being a badass is seriously wreaking havoc with my peace of mind. I question EVERYthing I do now. Everything. Even ordering stupid pancakes because they may add a pound or two. And that's just unacceptable. I am miserable when I question myself this much. And I hate that I don't trust myself to know what I want right now. I don't know how to function this way. So, it's going to stop. Yes, I will probably still be indecisive ... that was a part of the old me, too. BUT, I had more fun in the decision making process as the old badass me, than I do currently.

I need to get me back. And any wooing I have to do to convince me to come back will be worth it. I also think I need to find a new job after this year. I think that's part of the problem. So, the only thing I'll regret in moving to a new locale / finding a new job is that I'll have to leave my fantabulous apartment. But, I do need to move on. And I will.

Plan B, if the wooing doesn't work: