I am a badass

When did I get so emo?!?!? Seriously. I feel it and I hate it, but it's like I have emo tourette's. I'll be fine and then in the middle of discussing what we're having for dinner, I start ranting about feelings and emotions and gah!

Last Saturday night @ 2am...

Lizard Queen: *yawn* I am SLEEPY. What are you going to get to eat?

Me: Ummm... I don't know. Maybe pancakes? I'm hungry, but I don't really know what I want. TELL ME what I want!

Lizard Queen: Well. ...maybe pancakes are good if you think you want pancakes...

Me: *Sigh* Why is this so HARD to decide on??? I think I want pancakes, but I don't really know what I really want, I just know I'm hungry. Like my life. I don't know what I want to do with my life or how to fix my stupid relationships or how I behave in my stupid relationships and maybe I just want coffee. But, NO, I'm hungry and I want something more than just coffee. And I want to be sure of something in my life because everything is so crazy right now and it's driving ME crazy and I can never tell with anyone and no one, besides you, was available to hang out with me tonight and I hate that that makes me feel so bereft because I never come here and I just wanted people to be there for me, though I don't blame them for being absent tonight because I'm so mopey I don't even want to hang out with me.

Lizard Queen: ...

Lizard Queen: *blink blink*

Lizard Queen: So, are you just getting coffee or are you going to get pancakes too?

Me: I'm going to get the f-ing pancakes with my coffee because I want to have SOMETHING that I want tonight and damn the consequences.

Lizard Queen: Wow. Who did this to you? I mean, who made you so crazy and emotional???

Me: *thinks* I know the answer to this, but it would take ages to explain my mess. *out loud* I don't know... but, I'm going to get the pancakes.

So. Yeah. When did I become THAT girl? I mean, I've always been overly analytical and kind of a mess. But, whereas before my attitude before was just "fuck it" and me going on my merry way, doing my own thing and refusing to be brought down by people who didn't think my own way was good enough... NOW, apparently, I'm paying attention to the people who don't think I'm good enough and that's making me ridiculous. AND, I've forgotten that I AM a badass. Or I was. Before. Before I was just a mess.

Now, I've got to get back to badassery. Because not being a badass is seriously wreaking havoc with my peace of mind. I question EVERYthing I do now. Everything. Even ordering stupid pancakes because they may add a pound or two. And that's just unacceptable. I am miserable when I question myself this much. And I hate that I don't trust myself to know what I want right now. I don't know how to function this way. So, it's going to stop. Yes, I will probably still be indecisive ... that was a part of the old me, too. BUT, I had more fun in the decision making process as the old badass me, than I do currently.

I need to get me back. And any wooing I have to do to convince me to come back will be worth it. I also think I need to find a new job after this year. I think that's part of the problem. So, the only thing I'll regret in moving to a new locale / finding a new job is that I'll have to leave my fantabulous apartment. But, I do need to move on. And I will.

Plan B, if the wooing doesn't work:

The Emporer is an Ass

I happen to work with the most idiotic, infuriating, ignorant man on the planet. I call him the Emperor. Why? Because he's just the arrogant asshole who would fit into the story "The Emperor has No Clothes". And I suspect if he ever DID show up naked, claiming to be wearing garb that only the most intelligent could perceive, he'd probably get away with it. I would be the one yelling "He's not wearing a THING," and looking like a crazy woman. Fair? I think not. The only consolation is that if we ever had a popularity contest on the job, I would definitely win. Almost everyone believes my ideas are brilliant and should be implemented. That it would make things run smoother and better. And my sparkling personality is SO much nicer than the emperor's. (Yeah, yeah, don't laugh too hard... seriously, though. People like me there.) However, the majority of my ideas are passed over solely on the basis that they came from me and as a result we are embroiled in messes up to our ears. Things that could have been avoided. Things that could have been fixed. Things that we're dealing with only because the Emperor is the biggest ass I've ever seen and cannot stand to admit that he doesn't know anything about what he is doing.

I Don't Have Glaucoma -- I'm just big veined.

Last week at the eye doctor's office, they had me take a series of tests. You know the ones... puffs of air and fuzzy letters. Anyway, I had to do one test that I didn't remember ever doing before. The wavy lines test. If you haven't done it, you basically stare at this black dot in the middle of the screen and any time you see wavy lines appear in your peripheral vision, you click a button. Ok. I knew it was a test, but I can't help being competitive. And I was going to make sure I got every single wavy line if it killed me. I tried to keep my eye on the dot and follow the directions, but every once in a while, I'd look away and directly at whatever wavy line was waving at me in that moment. The thought did cross my mind that this could be a crucial test, but surely they'd have a more concrete way of testing anything important. Because... really. Did I mention that I wanted to WIN THIS GAME of the wavy lines???

After the test, the doctor came in to talk with me and after a few more glances at my pupils the conversation went something like this (also I don't think I'm exaggerating, though it may not entirely be verbatim) :

Doctor: Ok. So, you may come across another doctor somewhere else that'll try to tell you you have glaucoma, but I really don't think you do.

Me: ... What?

Doctor: Well, you passed the test fine and even though there are some things that would point to early signs of glaucoma, I really don't think you have it. Everything looks healthy and, like I said, you passed the test with the wavy lines.

Me: *thinking* SHIT! I cheated on the TEST FOR GLAUCOMA!

Me: Are you sure? I mean, what if the test is wrong?

Doc: Oh, yeah, I mean, your eyes look healthy. You're just one of those people with bigger veins. You know like some people are "big boned"... you're "big veined".

Me: *blink, blink, blink* Ummm... what?

Doc: Yeah, well, you know, someone else, another ophthalmologist might see that and say you have glaucoma. When really, you just have slightly larger veins.

Me: *nervous* Sooo, can I retake the test?

Doc: *chuckle* No.

I MAY HAVE GLAUCOMA!!!!!!!

Ok. Seriously, though, he did wind up checking my eyes pretty thoroughly and I go back today for further checking up. So, yeah. Still, it was a pretty messed up visit.

On a lighter note, I have a random medical pride when I go to the ophthalmologist, the dentist and the doctor. Apparently I have the perfect proportions for examinations. Sounds dirtier than it is. Basically, I've come to realize that at the Ophthalmologist's office, I don't need to have my eyes dilated because I have the "perfect sized pupils". The dentist claims I have "the perfect sized teeth for not getting cavities" and the doctor never has to use a tongue depressor because I can show her the back of my throat without being depressed. If only that all really counted for something other than my own amusement.

Itsy, Bitsy, Hairy Spider... had to die...

The past few days, there's been this clever, wily spider about the size of a nickel haunting my stairway. I call him clever and wily because he kept making appearances, peeking out, looking at me, then as soon as I'd run to get the spray, he'd vanish. I swear this spider knew I was tracking it. Knew I wanted it to be gone. And was probably laughing at me all the while. Seriously. Same damn spider for the past few days.

Well, today, I had the spray at the bottom of the stairs. I was leaving to go get the kids this morning and opened the door to the garage. Then, I felt something DROP ON MY SHIRT! I looked down and it was the DAMN SPIDER making an ambush.

Of course, me being me, I freaked and flipped the spider off of me onto the ground and grabbed the spray. Sprayed the crap out of it.

***I don't like to squish things because (a) I hate the way it feels (b) I hate the way it sounds and (c) I don't like the mess it makes. Also, I don't like it when the bug jumps or skitters to get away when you attempt to squish it. And I'm all for the catch-and-release method except that I really can't get near things like that in order to catch it and release it. If someone else volunteers, then, fine. Have at it. Not me!***

Anyway. That was the end of my itsy, bitsy, hairy, wily, clever spider.

Allergic to Alligators and Sharks, Too

Today, I was hanging out and having lunch with the best 4-year-olds in the world. Some might accuse me of being biased, but really... they're so great. Anyway, we always get into random discussions about different things and today's centered around allergens. Princess #1 starts off saying that her mom and brother are allergic to pets but not her or her dad. She's just allergic to pollen sometimes. Where Princess #2 then chimes in with, "I'm not allergic to any animals. I'm just allergic to alligators and sharks." And she was so serious, I couldn't help laughing full-on at that. Of course, she was tickled that she'd made me laugh, so she went on to say that she was also allergic to tacos. Apparently "allergic" is flexible. If that's the case, then I am allergic to spiders and snakes. And bosses like the Emporer and bad dates. And many, many other things. 4-year-olds have brilliant logic.

Bat for Lashes

So, Pudge sent me this music video today from the band Bat For Lashes that is so interesting and creepy and wonderful, I had to share it. Watch it all the way through.

25 Reasons... Just Because

There are soooo many reasons why I like you. I'm going to make a list! You'll never read it anyway and THAT gives me license to be outrageously shmoopy. (Something I will deny if you ever happen to read this and call me "shmoopy"...)

1. Because you make me smile.
2. Because you think snuggling is awesome.
3. Because you tell me when I'm being a jerk.
4. Because you tell me when I'm being sexy.
5. Because sometimes you get all rumpled and that is irresistible.
6. Because I work too much, but you don't make me feel guilty about it.
7. Because you "get" me even when I don't really understand myself.
8. Because you let me apologize and explain when I'm having a bad day and say something I regret.
9. Because you dance around like a jackass just to make me laugh.
   
10. Because you make me laugh even when I'm stubbornly trying to be grumpy.
11. Because you rescue me from spiders and creepy crawlies.
12. Because you are awkward and sexy and adorable and frustrating all at once.
13. Because you answer me honestly when I ask you questions.
14. Because you don't hesitate. (much)
15. Because you listen when I'm talking (or typing).
16. Because you don't take me for granted.
17. Because you kiss like a god.
    
18. Because we can be silly together.
19. Because you make me coffee.
20. Because you miss me when I can't be there. (Truth is, I miss you, too.)
21. Because you don't mind taking out the trash.
22. Because you let me rant about stupid crap without making me feel like stupid crap.
    
23. Because you make me believe in love.
24. Because you don't freak out if I happen to cry.
25. Because I need you.